I took Eckhart Tolle’s 8-week Conscious Manifestation course in the fall of 2019. Looking back on my journal from that time, my main reason for taking the course was one of desperation. At that point in my spiritual development, I had studied the wisdom of the masters from ancient to recent: Buddha, Jesus, Lao Tzu, Ramana Maharshi, Eckhart, Byron Katie, to name a few . . . And I had learned. I had cracked open my ego and experienced moments of deep bliss that come from touching the eternal Being within. I knew there was a better way to live in this world, yet I continued to cause suffering for myself and others by acting out the same old reactive patterns again and again.
And because I was aware that my actions were not only unconscious but also unnecessary, I felt even worse. During week 2 of the course I wrote in my journal:
October 26, 2019
And then, of course, the knowledge that I should be beyond all this thought that is essentially irrelevant, makes me feel even more . . . defeated.
Spiritual awakening — as I’ve experienced it — opens the realm of perceptual awareness. You become much more aware of your thoughts and when your ego takes you over. It also gives the phrase, “Ignorance is Bliss” much more meaning. It’s one thing to live with anger, resentment, and fear, and tell yourself:
“It’s not my fault that I’m miserable. If it wasn’t for other people and the screwed-up world we live in, I wouldn’t feel like this.”
And it’s another to know your thinking is wrong and your suffering really is your own doing.
One could ask (and I did ask at my lowest moments), What’s the point in doing all of this inner work and realizing there actually is another way being, when I keep falling back into negative patterns again and again? Why know another dimension to our existence if we can’t stay there? I get that. I experienced it. But a deeper instinct guided me to a fundamental truth that I had also experienced: love.
What about love? If we aren’t willing to experience heartbreak, then we’ll never know the joy of pure love. Would I choose to avoid potential pain and never feel the unconditional love of a child, a parent, a partner, or a friend? No, I wouldn’t. So I kept going. Kept digging deeper and uncovering the unconscious blocks keeping me from realizing and living in the essence of my True Self.
Looking back on my journal through the 8 weeks of the course, I can witness a shift in my thinking and the connection to my Inner Self deepen. At the end of the course I wrote:
December 16, 2019
When I remember that in the present moment I’m connected with God, and there are no problems, there is only peace, it gives me such hope. I am a piece of God that dwells beneath the rubble of life that my unconscious mind has piled on to block out the light. I must continue to dig out, piece by piece, until the Source of all light is fully seen.
Know thyself means: know thyself as a piece of God — pure light and all knowing. Yes, I can see it.
The course didn’t eliminate my ego. What it did though, was give my Inner Being, my True Self, a chance to sit in the driver’s seat. Our ego doesn’t need to be destroyed, but it was never meant to lead. That’s like giving a 5-year-old the keys to the van and expecting her to safely drive the family to Florida. It’s impossible. She can’t even reach the peddles . . .
Little did I know the challenges I would face in the coming months. Not only was the world rocked by the COVID-19 pandemic, but our family also experienced the devastation that mental illness can wreak on those we love. I’d love to say I didn’t give the 5-year-old the keys during that time, but I did. I fell right back into those old patterns once again. But, awareness always immediately followed. And I recognized it for what it was: a reminder that 5-year-old kids shouldn’t drive vans.
The point of the course is not to manifest a billion-dollar business or find the perfect mate that will finally make you happy. It’s to uncover your true self and recover your life’s purpose: “to find the essence of who you are and to live in that essence.”
Since taking the course nearly two years ago, my life and relationships have dramatically changed. I learned to release resentment, forgive, and ask for forgiveness from others. My relationships with my family, children, and friends have become much more real and meaningful. I stopped doing work that was unfulfilling and created this blog that challenges me and inspires me to help others. And I have more and more moments of peace and bliss that come from living in the essence of who I really am.
But I still have work to do. I’ll find myself seeking solace in Jeni’s Salted Peanut Butter with Chocolate Flecks Ice Cream or a chilled Chardonnay. But mostly for the moments of lost peace when I continue to listen to the negative, fearful, inner critic that still likes to chime in.
So, since Eckhart’s course is relaunching this week, I’m diving into the program again. Each week for the next 8 weeks, I’ll share my experiences throughout the course. I’ll also try to post snippets of the daily exercises on Instagram and FB. You don’t have to be enrolled in the course to follow along. If you are enrolled, I would love to know your experiences with the course.
Leave me a comment or email me directly at: info@jackiejreid.com
With You on the Journey,
Jackie
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