A Teaching:
As long as you think that anyone or anything else is responsible for your suffering, the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of the victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.
Byron Katie
A Truth:
The victim. Oh, how my thoughts have cast me as the perfect victim for as long as I can remember. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? The perfect victim is the righteous, good-intentioned, devoted, and honest part of us who’s being prevented from true happiness by someone or something else.
And despite knowing that the teaching above is the absolute truth and the pathway to peace, my victim part still steps forward and makes me miserable. She mentally says things like:
“If they could just wake up and realize they don’t really need me to be happy, then I could finally be in peace. Hell really is other people.”
“The fact that I apologized to her and she still despises me, is not my fault. It’s all on her.”
“If I didn’t have to think about my spouse’s and kids’ issues, I’d be a lot more productive and creative.”
Of course, the harsh yet liberating truth is: I am (solely, absolutely, and completely) responsible for my peace and happiness.
It’s not other people or situations that are making me unhappy, it’s my thoughts about them.
A Take-away:
How do we stop casting ourselves in the role of victim in our lives? Byron Katie, who teaches a method of self-inquiry known as The Work, offers a simple and extremely effective solution: question your thoughts.
The 4 Questions and Turnarounds
Question
You begin by questioning a stressful thought. Then, you get very still, go inside yourself, meditate on the question, listen, and wait for the answer.
The Four Questions
- Is it true? Yes or no. If no, move to question 3.
- Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Focus on the situation you’re questioning. Look again at that moment in time and see what reveals itself to you.
- How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
- Who would you be without that thought?
The Turnaround
Turn the thought around. Is the opposite as true as or truer than the original thought?
Katie points out that it’s important to write out your questions and answers rather than trying to do it in your head. Use a blank sheet of paper or download the Worksheet at TheWork.com.
For a detailed example of The Work in action, check out this post.
The next time your thoughts are causing you suffering, question them. And let me know what happens.
To go deeper, check out Byron Katie’s books:
