It’s natural to want to help those we care about. But when we passively permit or unwittingly encourage problematic behavior in others, our “helping” becomes the destructive process of enabling.
Here’s advice from mental health experts on how to stop enabling and start empowering those close to us including those with mental illness.
What is Enabling and How is it Destructive?
The American Psychological Association defines an enabler as someone that regularly allows a close friend or relative to engage in irresponsible or harmful behavior and makes it easier for the behavior to continue.
Enabling is driven by the desire to help someone close to us. It’s also driven by our own fears, guilt, and unresolved issues within ourselves that have little (if anything) to do with the person we’re enabling. We’ll get into the root causes of why we enable later in this post.
How is Enabling Harmful?
When I look at my own close relationships, I can see how my tendency to “fix things” and “keep the peace” (either by making excuses for or overlooking bad behavior) has affected those I care about most. It’s easier to let the little things go and take on an attitude of “picking your battles”. While there is validity in not waging war against every perceived issue, the little things can often lead to much bigger problems.
The problem with overlooking the small stuff is that it can lead to the formation of bad habits that can be hard to break and often bleed into other areas of life such as work, school, and relationships.
One of the most destructive effects of enabling is it robs the enabled person of their self-esteem.
When we repeatedly step in and do things for another that they can do for themselves, their sense of self-worth is negatively impacted. Not only can they begin to believe they are worthless, but they also believe we think they are worthless.
For example, many adult children are living at home post-pandemic. If they’re not working and not trying to find a job, we may step in and find a job for them. Then, we take on the responsibility (and often battle) of waking them to make sure they get to work every day. That’s not encouraging for either party — it’s discouraging. We’re sending the message that they are too incompetent to find a job and get to work on their own.
A recent article on UpJourney points out that it’s important to look at what the person can do not what they are doing now. Can they feed themselves, wash their own clothes, and use a computer?
“Sometimes we mistake their inaction for inability. There is a big difference. By stepping in when they are not taking action, or not taking action the way we would like them to, we are furthering their ability to stay inactive.”
Michelle Dittmer, OCT, M.A.
3 Signs You’re Enabling
How do we know if we’re encouraging and empowering or enabling someone to not move forward? Nationally recognized parent coach and psychologist, Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., says there are three warning signs to look out for.
- You willingly wear a “kick-me” sign. We believe that since someone has “problems” they’re not responsible for treating us and others disrespectfully. Dr. Bernsteins says:
- “You may notice that he or she seems respectful when wanting something from you, though they turn on a dime or get passive-aggressive if you refuse the request. You feel worn down and accept this emotional chaos as normal.”
- They are constantly borrowing money from you. There’s always a promise to pay you back which rarely (if ever) happens.
- They don’t take life on — you do it for them. You’re taking on additional responsibilities, while they are stuck in a perpetual state of inertia. The excessive neediness of this overly dependent person is causing an emotional strain on you and your other relationships.
Why do we Enable?
The quick answer as to why we enable others is because we want them to be happy. However, the truth goes much deeper. And it’s vital to question our thoughts to understand why we enable in order to change the pattern.
- Guilt: In the case of an adult child failing to launch, do we enable because we feel guilty about the way we parented? Are we making up for divorce or for working too much and not being present when they were a child?
- Fear: Is our fear of something bad happening to the other person causing our enabling behavior?
- Stephen R. Honaker, LMHC, QS, Family Counselor states: “Frequently parents of adult children struggling with addictions are paralyzed by fear. This fear drives them to engage in enabling behaviors as a means of staving off catastrophe. Enabling behaviors also temporarily lead to a reduction in the fear of the parent. Those behaviors, unfortunately, also trap their adult child in the cycle of addiction.”
- Unresolved Issues or Parts: When trauma in our own past is not dealt with, parts of us may still be trapped in childhood roles (caretaker, peacemaker, rescuer, etc.). We could also be addressing our own needs or lack of connection with our parents.
… when parents have unresolved issues from their own past that they have not dealt with, it makes avoiding toxic enabling almost impossible.
Stephen R. Honaker, LMHC, QS, Family Counselor
Changing the Pattern
How do we stop the momentum of an enabling pattern that has often been happening for years, or maybe even a lifetime?
Kim Abraham, LMSW and Marney Studaker-Cordner, LMSW are experts in parenting, child behavior problems, Oppositional Defiance Disorder (ODD), and substance abuse. On their website EmpoweringParents.com, they share six steps to help adult children launch their lives.
- 1. Know Where YOU Are. If you feel stressed and burdened by your adult child living at home, acknowledge the strain and get help for yourself. As they say on airplanes, “Put your oxygen mask on first“. You’re no help to anyone if you’re laid out unconscious in the aisle. Seek therapy for yourself and examine if there are underlying issues fueling enabling behavior.
- 2. Change Your View. Stop thinking of your adult child as incapable. Focus on what they can actually do for themselves instead. Kim and Marney suggest, “Changing your viewpoint so that you see your child as capable will reduce the guilt, fear, and anxiety you may feel as you begin to let him struggle to survive on his own.”
- 3. Identify and Guard Your Emotional Buttons. Know your boundaries and what you’re most likely to give in to. “One parent told us, “I’m okay with my adult child not having extras (phones, video games, internet, haircuts), but I can’t let him be on the street. I know myself. I’ll never stick to it.” Kim and Marney added that the adult child decided the “extras” were important to him and was motivated to get a job and move into an apartment.
- 4. Make Your Boundaries Clear. Think of your adult child as what they are — an adult. And an equal to you. If your adult child is living at home, create a contract with the living terms and a date when they will have to move out. Point out they need to be prepared to access other resources: friends, churches, and government assistance. We live in the magnificent United States of America where low-income housing and food vouchers are available.
- 5. Shut Down the Parent ATM. I really love these ladies…
“In this world, one can live without phones, internet, computers, haircuts, make-up, clothes from the mall, video games, and any other leisure activity you can name. If he’s struggling, he can get clothes from Salvation Army or Goodwill. He can take the bus. He can eat cheap (think boxed macaroni & cheese and Ramen noodles—food we ate when we had no money).”
- 6. Enough is Enough. If an adult child is verbally or even physically abusive or wearing you out by only taking without giving in return, you have the right to move them out of your home. You are entitled to enjoy a peaceful home environment and to set the rules for someone else to live there. If the situation becomes intolerable, legal action may be necessary.
Kim and Marney point out that many young adults are struggling to become independent. And even if the economy isn’t perfect, we’ve gone through recessions and depressions in the past. It’s okay to be uncomfortable and beneficial to realize we have the ability to survive hard times.
What about Adults with Mental Illness?
How do we establish and uphold boundaries with someone suffering from depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety, etc.? This is tough. Especially when it’s an adult that doesn’t believe they have a problem and doesn’t want help.
Here are two resources from women that have experienced mental illness themselves and are using their knowledge to teach and empower caregivers without enabling.
Julie A. Fast is the author of bestselling mental health books, recipient of the Mental Health American excellence in journalism award, and parent and partner coach on bipolar and psychotic disorder. In an article for bphope, she says:
If you feel your child has hijacked your life and your house, there is a simple way out of this difficult situation: stop behaviors that are not part of what I call a reciprocal, adult relationship.
A reciprocal, adult relationship is the basis for all healthy relationships. It means that your needs are met while you are meeting the needs of someone else.
Julie A. Fast
Victoria Maxwell is a speaker, performer, and wellness warrior who shares her story of mental illness and recovery. In a post on her website, victoriamaxwell.com, she says what benefited her the most when she was struggling and denying help are what she calls “Crazy Naked Truths” (CNT). Here are a few from her website:
Crazy Naked Truths
You can’t get well for me.
You can’t change or control my behavior, reactions or choices. You can create conditions and options to help me accept my illness and make positive choices.
Learn to set boundaries with me so I can learn to set boundaries for myself.
Learn to empower, not enable.
As consistently as you can, offer me choices that work for YOU. Incorporate your needs and wants. IE: In exchange for living with you (the parent), I (your adult child) need to get up by 9 am and do a chore every day. If I don’t want to do that, then you can still be there to help me and explore ways to find subsidized housing.
I will rise to your expectations.
Victoria Maxwell
Consciousness and Enabling
When we come from consciousness, we will be able to say “no” not only without feeling guilty, but also free of any wishy-washiness or inconsistency.
The Conscious Parent– Dr. Shefali Tsabary
Enabling has its roots in the egoic traits of fear, guilt, and apathy. When we are in touch with our true self and come from a place of consciousness, we’re able to perceive the precious soul that is in every being. We can understand another’s actions are not who they really are and embrace them with empathy and compassion.
When we empower rather than enable others, we are clearing a path for them to find their way back to their true Self. That is the greatest gift one can be given.
Let’s talk! Please join me on FB, Twitter, LinkedIn , and Instagram @jackiejreid.
With You on the Journey,
Jackie
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