The relationships with those closest to us are often the source of our greatest joy but also our deepest pain. Our parents, siblings, partners, and children all seem to have the power to instantly bring us to our knees. Few experiences hurt more than feeling unloved or unaccepted by a parent, betrayed by an unfaithful partner, or helpless and worried over the troubled child we just can’t reach. Our difficult relationships often trigger our own fears and bring out the worst in us. And that is exactly what they’re meant to do, says Eckhart Tolle:
Relationships are not here to make us happy or fulfilled, they’re here to wake us up to who we really are — the eternal Being that dwells within us.
Looking at my own intimate relationships, I can clearly see a pattern of control and defensiveness emerging. Over the course of my life, this dysfunctional pattern has damaged the relationships with those I hold most dear.
Until I began studying spirituality a few years ago, it never occurred to me that the source of my need to control and always be right was due to my own insecurity and fear. Because of the lack of connection to my true Self, I projected my fear and insecurity onto others.
Relationships as a Spiritual Practice
“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves. “
Carl Jung
Once we begin to realize and truly understand that our relationships are here to help us wake up to our true Selves, real transformation can take place. Rather than seeking fulfillment and happiness through a relationship, the relationship becomes our sadhana, our spiritual practice.
Steps to Transforming Dysfunction into Salvation
- Acknowledge and accept when there is dysfunction in a relationship. Whatever it may be: anger, an inner child demanding love and attention, resentment, the need to be right, and so on.
- As long as we deny, avoid, or wish things were different, growth and change cannot happen. But, when we view a situation as it really is and accept it as it is, we’ve stopped resisting reality and opened a space for grace and love to enter.
- When negative emotions arise within ourselves or another person be aware of them as they occur. By simply becoming aware of negativity as it happens (regardless if we react to it or not), a new dimension comes in — awareness.
- Awareness changes everything. We may still play out old patterns of reacting to another’s actions for a while, but if we remember to be aware of it, nothing is lost.
- It doesn’t matter if our partner, parent, child, etc. continues to act out their negative behavior. What matters is that we release all judgment of their actions. That doesn’t mean we deny or allow dysfunction, it just means that we don’t judge it. Then, whatever action is necessary comes from our inner wisdom or Self rather than a reaction from ego.
- When we stop reacting to another’s drama we stop feeding the part of them that is seeking drama. That’s not to say we become a doormat for another person’s ego. If we’re consistently present and aware in our relationships, this will be a major challenge for the other person:
They will not be able to tolerate your presence for very long and stay unconscious. If they are ready, they will walk through the door that you opened for them and join you in that state. If they are not, you will separate like oil and water. The light is too painful for someone who wants to remain in darkness.
The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle
Enlightenment or Egoic Delusion?
If we find ourselves withdrawn and taking the attitude of there is nothing wrong with me and everything wrong with my partner, then ego has come in.
If there isn’t love and joy towards all beings, then it isn’t enlightenment.
Another indicator is how we behave when something goes wrong. As Ram Dass said, “If you think you’re so enlightened, go and spend a week with your parents.” 😄
There are no mistakes in the Universe. All relationships are intentional and designed specifically for us to learn. Those closest to us bring out all of our weaknesses so we can clearly see them and bring them to the light of our true Self. They are our greatest teachers.
Header Photo of lake sunrise courtesy of AMcKinley Photography
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