A Teaching:
There are three kinds of men in this world:
The first, when he helps someone out, makes it known that he expects something in return.
The second would never be so bold, but in his mind he knows what he has done and considers the other person to be in his debt.
The third somehow doesn’t realize what he has done, but he’s like a vine that bears fruit and asks for nothing more than the pleasure of producing grapes.
A horse gallops, a dog hunts, a bee makes honey, one man helps another, and the vine bears fruit in due season. You ought to be like that third fellow, who does good without giving it a second thought.
Marcus Aurelius, The Emperor’s Handbook Book V.6
A Truth:
Do I give without keeping a score?
I know without a doubt that I have mentally tallied my giving in the past, but I don’t feel like I do that now. But since my ego is very crafty, I wanted to be sure. So I asked the ones I’m closest to — my spouse and kids — what they thought.
No one was eager to answer (which is probably a clue), but my son, Alec, responded by asking me this question: “How do you react when someone gives something to you?”
Hmmm . . . good question. The truth is that receiving gifts from others has been difficult for me. And when I look deeper into why it’s hard for me to receive I can see a hidden truth — I don’t want to owe someone.
If a part of me believes receiving means owing, then the same belief must exist when I give to others. There’s a “part” of me that keeps score and secretly expects something in return, e.g., respect, admiration, or gratitude.
It’s a humbling yet valuable insight that points to a sense of lack or insecurity within me that I need to acknowledge, understand, and unburden.
A Takeaway:
How do you tell what type of giver you are?
- Ask those closest to you. They are our greatest teachers.
- Whether you’re giving your attention, time, or resources, ask yourself, “What’s my true intention in giving?”
- Are you really giving to be loved, respected, martyred, or to have power over someone? If so there may be a part of you that’s burdened and needs healing.
- How do you feel when others give to you? Sit with that thought. You may be surprised by what you find.
Find out how to get to know and heal your parts here.
Understanding the parts of us that drive our beliefs and actions is a major life-changer. It affects the way we relate to others, the decisions we make, and determines our overall sense of well-being.
And it helps us become like the vine that bears fruit merely for the pleasure of doing so. 🙂
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