In the last post, we looked at the harmful effects of enabling and how it isn’t healthy or helpful for anyone. And we learned how important it is to set boundaries not only for our own peace and well-being but also for the person being enabled.
If we agree that enabling doesn’t work and that it only makes everything worse, and we understand in order to stop enabling, we must access our inner strength to set and uphold clear boundaries. Then, we need to recognize that we can’t begin to have boundaries that will stick until we know — really know — our core Self and what our boundaries actually are.
Keep reading to learn how to tune into your inner Self, listen to your gut (intuition) to find your limits, and set conscious boundaries you can stick to.
Begin with Consciousness
Consciousness is a state of wakefulness to one’s sense of Self, Being, or Soul. Our core Self is the compassionate, loving, immortal being within us and the source of our true creativity and power. When we connect with our true Self and we act from Being rather than from our ego, we are said to be “conscious” in the spiritual sense.
When we want a change in our lives, we begin by focusing on the one and only factor we can control — ourselves. By reconnecting with our Self and allowing Self to lead we are no longer reacting from ego, we are acting from consciousness.
When we act from our core Self there is a subtle yet decisive and confident power about us. This isn’t the fear-based false power from the boss who berates an employee in front of others. Or the crazy parent who “loses it” with their teen. No, that isn’t the power I’m talking about. Fear-driven power leaves you weak and even more fearful. I know. I’ve embodied both. I’ve been the bitch boss and lunatic parent.
What I’m talking about is a power whose source is love, compassion, and unfathomable strength. It’s available to all of us, we just have to acknowledge its presence and allow it to guide us.
Connect to Your Inner Self
Spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle, has been instrumental in helping me connect to my inner Self. In 2018 I was lost (but seeking) when his transformative book, The Power of Now appeared as my next suggested read. This book takes you gently by the hand and guides you back to Being: Your deepest Self, your true nature.
Being is the eternal, ever-present One Life beyond the myriad forms of life that are subject to birth and death. However, Being is not only beyond but also deep within every form as its innermost invisible and indestructible essence.
Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now
We cut ourselves off from Being when incessant thoughts about the past and future take up all of our attention. To become conscious of our true Self, we must become aware of our thoughts. Eckhart teaches that taking our attention into our body and away from our thoughts is an effective way to access our true Self.
Quick Inner Body Exercise
Try this now:
- Close your eyes if you find it helpful
- Hold your hands slightly away from your body
- Take your attention into your body
- Can you feel a slight tingling or warmth in your hands?
- Do you feel the energy in other parts of your body — feet, chest, or abdomen? Can you feel it throughout your entire body as a single energy field?
The more attention you give to the feeling the clearer and stronger it will become. You may even have a vision of your body being surrounded by light. Don’t worry if you can’t feel much at this stage. Pay attention to whatever you can feel. We’ll get into more detail on accessing the inner body in another post.
When I first tried this exercise a few years ago, I barely felt anything and I thought, “Wow. This is really woo-woo stuff.” Now, as I sit here and write this, I feel the energy in every cell of my body. And when I focus on that feeling, it comes together as a unified force and I feel myself getting lighter and lighter as if I’m going to float away.
Identifying Your Boundaries
Developing and maintaining healthy boundaries is vital to your psychological growth and spiritual liberation.
Phillip Moffitt, Creator dharmawisdom.org
Being spiritually conscious and accepting circumstances as they are, does not mean becoming a doormat for someone. It means you no longer internalize unwanted events by believing it shouldn’t have happened, filling yourself with worry and dread, or exploding in rage.
We can become so conditioned to feeling used, resentful, and guilty that we no longer question why we feel the way we do. Ignoring negative feelings in relation to someone else’s actions can make identifying boundaries difficult.
Here are a few ways to spot when your boundaries are being crossed.
- Resentment: Empowerment coach Erin Merrihew says that when we feel resentment towards someone, it’s a big flag that a boundary has been violated. She says that if you can catch the feeling of resentment as it’s happening, you can relate the cause back to the source.
- Gut Feeling: A gut feeling is your intuition, or Inner Being, trying to get your attention. Don’t ignore it! In a recent article in Success, Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., a professor of psychology at California State University, and a licensed clinical psychologist states:
Many of us will try to talk ourselves out of the uncomfortable feeling, she says. Oh, you’re just being silly, we think. If I say no, I’ll be so mean, we rationalize. But if our intuition says a boundary is being violated, it most likely is.
- One-sided Relationships: When we find ourselves frequently giving money to a relative or friend, taking on a colleague’s workload because they are frequently in crisis, or constantly cleaning up after our children or partner, those are flags of an unbalanced relationship. One-sided relationships can leave us feeling used and are cues that boundaries have been violated.
Setting Boundaries that Stick
To know what healthy and sustainable boundaries look like, we need to understand what they’re not. Clinical Psychologist and Transformation Coach, Louise Finlayson, Ph.D., gives some pointers on fully understanding boundaries.
- Boundaries are not about controlling others: The truth is, we really can’t control anyone else. Healthy boundaries are not about control, they’re about balance.
- Boundaries do not mean we lack compassion: Dr. Finlayson points out, “Boundaries do not mean that you don’t have empathy or compassion for other people, but they do limit how much you allow other people to affect you.” We can be supportive of others without taking on their pain. Taking on someone else’s pain doesn’t take their pain away. It causes you to suffer and renders you ineffective as a source of light for them.
- Boundaries are not mean:
Boundaries are the balance of accommodating other people while taking care of yourself.
Louise Finlayson, Ph.D
It’s not mean, it’s balanced
For example, a friend asks to store their stuff in your garage while they’re in transition. You agree but fail to set time limits on how long you’ll store their stuff. Six months later, their stuff is still in your garage and your car is parked out in the snow. You’ve asked your friend several times when they will pick up their stuff and the friend complains that they haven’t been able to find a good job and can’t afford a storage unit. Meanwhile, you see their Instagram photos from trips they’ve taken, fun nights out with friends, etc.
You know you’re being used and deep down you also know that it’s partly your fault. After all, you allowed them to put their stuff in your garage in the first place. Now, you feel stuck because you don’t want to be mean and tell them they have to get their stuff out. So, you do nothing. And every time you scrape snow and ice off your car in the freezing cold, resentment builds.
What do you do?
Dr. Finlayson says it’s important to remember that a boundary is not trying to control someone else. “Setting boundaries is about knowing what boundaries you want to establish and enforcing them by taking action within yourself.”
A boundary is: “If you do ______, I will ______.”
“You need to get your stuff out of my garage.”, is not a boundary. A boundary is, “If you can’t remove your stuff from my garage within the next 30 days, I will have it picked up and donated to charity.” A boundary is a choice and consequence and it gives the other person an opportunity to decide which they want.
Expect Resistance: This is where tuning into the strength and wisdom of your inner Self is vital. Your friend may say again that they can’t afford a storage unit right now. To which you can suggest (calmly and firmly) they ask a family member to pay for it, get an additional part-time job, or offer to help them set up a budget to cover the cost.
Remember, a boundary is an action YOU take.
A few other examples from Dr. Finlayson’s website:
A boundary is not:
“Don’t yell at me.”
“Don’t call me before work hours.”
“Stop commenting on my weight.”
A boundary is:
“If you yell at me, I will leave the room or hang up the phone.”
“If you call me before 9 am, I will let the call go to voicemail and call you back during work hours.”
“If you keep commenting on my weight, I will stop visiting.”
What boundaries do you find the most challenging?
Trackbacks/Pingbacks