What does it mean to be sober-curious? Ruby Warrington, author of Sober Curious: The Blissful Sleep, Greater Focus, Limitless Presence, and Deep Connection Awaiting Us All on the Other Side of Alcohol, defines it as:
. . . literally choosing to question, or “get curious,” about every impulse, invitation, or expectation (on your part or in the eyes of others), to drink.
Ruby Warrington
Published in late 2018, the book spawned the “sober curious” movement encouraging people to get clear on why we drink, why it’s so hard to not drink, why we continue to drink even though it makes us feel bad, and to ask: Would life be better without alcohol?
This post looks at questioning why we drink, some surprising facts about alcohol, why I’m “sober curious”, and how to try it for yourself.
Sober Curiosity is about becoming conscious of how much, how often, and most importantly why we’re drinking, by asking:
- Why am I choosing to have this drink? Is it because I’m stressed, anxious, depressed, or it’s 5 o’clock and I’m on autopilot? Am I wanting to escape and check out for awhile?
- Why am I expected to drink? A big question to ask is why does my not drinking bother others? Is it because it makes other people self conscious about their own drinking? And why is it automatically assumed if you’re not drinking it’s because you can’t?
- How is this drink going to impact my well-being? Not just the next morning, but the days that follow, too. Will I wake up feeling groggy, bloated, and guilty for drinking more than I intended? Will I be embarrassed about my actions the night before? And will I blow off my workout the next morning because I feel bad?
Who is it for?
Getting sober-curious is for anyone who wants to reexamine their relationship with alcohol. You don’t have to have a serious addiction or health problem related to alcohol to question the role it plays in your life.
- Maybe you’re tired of making wine your temporary numbing elixir rather than actually dealing with your problems.
- Perhaps you’ve had one hangover too many and you’re done with it.
- You’re committed to getting spiritually, mentally, and physically healthier and alcohol may not be a part of that lifestyle.
- Or maybe you’ve realized you don’t need a drink or two or three to socialize. That your authentic, true Self is enough and is the best version of you anyway.
Becoming sober-curious is not necessarily about total abstinence. It may lead some to the realization that there just isn’t a place for alcohol in their life anymore. For others, understanding and addressing the reasons why they drink, may dramatically reduce the desire and amount they consume.
Sober curiosity means taking an extended break from alcohol and then making a super conscious and informed decision about where, when, how much, and if you choose to drink.
Since sober curiosity leaves the door open for imbibing, this approach doesn’t work for everyone. If you know that your next drink has the potential to land you in jail, the ER, the morgue, or as Robin Williams once said, Cleveland, then abstinence and seeking treatment is the path for you.
There are free treatment options available including Alcoholics Anonymous. Russell Brand’s book Recovery: Freedom From Our Addictions, walks you through the 12 steps with humor, entertainment, and blunt truth-telling. Brand used the 12 step method to recover from a life-threatening heroin addiction as well as alcohol, sex, porn, food, and social media.
I loved Russell Brand’s book Recovery and have listened to the audiobook a few times. It’s written by a hard-core addict, but it’s relatable to everyone.
What it’s not
Warrington warns that experimenting with sober curiosity is not a platform to pass judgment on those that choose to drink (a little or a lot). Sober-curiosity is a personal experiment. It’s not about anyone else.
. . . it’s not your place to dictate who’s “got it under control” and who “needs” to get Sober Curious (or even Sober Sober). One person’s toxic, addictive poison can be another person’s ticket to party central. And that’s okay.
Sober Curious, Ruby Warrington
However, Warrington reminds us that violent and abusive drunken behavior should never be tolerated. And she also relates that modeling a sober-curious approach to alcohol is a positive example to close friends or family who may be on the road to chronic alcohol use disorder.
Why it’s so hard to not drink
Warrington presents a theory on why it’s so hard for many of us to moderate or stop drinking. A theory that sparkles with a lot of truth. She suggests: “anybody who drinks on a regular basis is probably, kind of, just a little bit addicted.” Here’s why:
- Humans are hardwired to seek out and repeat pleasure and avoid pain. It’s what drives us to propagate the species and avoid getting killed so we can foster the next generation. Alcohol quickly and efficiently gives us that shot of pleasure and helps us forget our pain for a little while. We’re wired to become addicted to alcohol.
- The Biology of Desire: Why Addiction Is Not a Disease, Marc Lewis, 2015
- Alcohol is EVERYWHERE: commercials, billboards, movies, shows, events, and so on. Think about how heavily alcohol is marketed to us. It’s presented as a way to have fun, connect, relax, and basically enjoy life in general. Alcohol is marketed to us now the way tobacco once was.
The most stunning example I’ve seen of the power, danger, and hypocrisy of marketing was in the Buenos Aires airport.
The Duty-Free shop had a very distinct tobacco section. Rows of cigarette cartons lined the wall. Each of the plain white rectangular boxes displayed a photo (rather than a logo) of the real consequences of smoking. Some showed bluish feet sticking out from a sheet with an ID tag hanging from the toe. Others showed a sad, wrinkled, and withered middle-aged woman with a tracheostomy tube in her throat. Another showed a man disfigured by mouth cancer. All of the photos were graphic, disturbing, and real.
However, the very next section displayed rows of multi-colored brightly lit liquor bottles with images of beautiful people laughing and having fun. The alcohol section came complete with young, fit, and attractive salespeople handing out free shots of vodka!
The screaming irony was so evident it couldn’t be missed. Apparently, the Argentine government had decided it was time to lift the veil on tobacco because of the damage it was wreaking. Meanwhile, alcohol (which is more deadly than tobacco) was still shown as the elixir of life.
The truth about alcohol
- Alcohol is one of the five most addictives substances on earth — alongside heroin, cocaine, barbiturates, and nicotine. The study goes on to rank the overall harm score of each substance, taking into consideration the harm to the user and others around the user who aren’t actually taking the drug. Alcohol scored as the most harmful, with a score of 72. Heroin took second place, with a score of 55. And crack cocaine came in third, with a score of 54.
According to a recent report by the CDC, excessive alcohol use from 2011 to 2015, was the leading cause of preventable death in the United States. It accounted for 93,296 deaths per year and an average of 29 years of potential life span lost.
Pointing out the real consequences of excessive alcohol use isn’t to scare anyone or to demonize drinking. But awareness begins with knowledge. We need to fully understand what we’re dealing with before we can make informed decisions about how and if we drink.
Why I’m getting sober curious
I’ve had a long and sometimes sordid love affair with alcohol. Specifically, wine. Once introduced to the classy yet sexy vino in my late twenties, a deep bond was established. My booze story is too long to get into in this post, but essentially — for better or worse — alcohol has been a part of my life for the last twenty years. Nearly every dinner date, birthday party (any party), holiday, vacation, or event has been celebrated with alcohol. And until I began to awaken a few years ago, almost every stressful situation was bandaged with a bottle of wine.
I drink a lot less now than I used to. When I began studying spiritual teachings and awakening to the truth within me, many of the reasons I drank began to fall away. I no longer identified with the voice in my head. And with the help of a therapist, I began to pick apart the negative thoughts and fears that caused me stress and worry. Also, IFS Therapy helped me uncover the parts that led me to seek solace in alcohol to begin with. Check out this post on the healing power of IFS Therapy.
Yet, I still find myself thinking about drinking. I’ll go weeks without wanting a drink and then, Bam! A vision of a chilled glass of chardonnay sparkling in the evening sun pops into my head. It typically happens when I’m mentally or physically tired and I want to disengage from everything and everyone for a little while. But it rarely ends with one glass, and more than one is felt the next morning. More than two is the felt the entire next day . . .
Warrington points out that according to addiction experts, thinking about a substance or behavior (whether you’re doing it or not) is a tell-tale sign of addiction. So, does that mean the thought (A glass of wine will make me feel better.), indicates that I’m addicted? Maybe. Or it may be truer to say, “probably, kind of, just a little bit.”
But just going along with my thoughts isn’t good enough for me anymore. I’m not my thoughts and I’m no longer willing to be led by them. I want to go deeper into presence and allow the universal consciousness within me to lead. I’m seeking — the peace that passes all understanding — that Jesus spoke of.
Since those that seek also find, it happened that Warrington was a recent guest on a podcast I listen to. She was discussing her latest book, The Sober Curious Reset: Change The Way You Drink In 100 Days Or Less. The Sober Curious Reset is a follow-up to Sober Curious and is a guidebook for taking 100 days off from alcohol along with daily exercises to keep you on track.
When asked why 100 days instead of 30, Warrington said that research shows it takes around 40 days to change a habit. But with a habit as sneaky as alcohol, longer and more persistent habit-breaking protocols are needed. I agree with her. I’ve experienced that myself. But here’s what really got me:
She says:
In Chinese medicine, they say it takes 100 days to fully replenish a person’s “Jing” — the primal energy, or essence, of our being — and quitting with the quitting too quicky, means you’ll never get to the part where you feel as if your soul is being kissed back to life.
The Sober Curious Reset, Ruby Warrington
My intention is not to never have a drink again. Nor is it to preach to others about the dangers of alcohol and why they should never drink again. For me, this is an experiment with my own spirituality. One with the added benefits of better sleep, focus, and energy.
How to get started
Start by getting the books:
Here’s a preview of what to expect for the next 100 days:
I’m really excited about this experiment and the potential for the personal and collective positive change it can make in our lives and world. If getting clear about your drinking habits is something you’ve been thinking about, join me! Let’s talk. We’re all in this together! If you’d like, you can email me directly at info@jackiejreid.com or reach out on my socials. I want to hear from you!
With You on the Journey,
Jackie
